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Smith Berates Banks
After a torrid, turgid and turbulent season in the Championship, Norwich City finished a lowly 19th out of 20. The fans were told at the start of the season to expect a painful season but no one expected it to be this bad. Legendary manager Jon Banks had returned to the club, culled the aging “stars” and started a project but with the signing of Joao Neves many expected a mid table finish at worst.
Some sections of the fan base have stated that Banks is old, past it and a bald fraud. Other are behind the manager that first got the club into the big time in 2008. The only voice that really counts is that of owner Deliah Smith. In this exclusive transcript, we can reveal the end of season performance review that took place inside Carrow Road. We thank Infinite Rocket Plastics for performing a Poor Roger manoeuvre to get us this sensitive data.
Delia Smith (DS) – So Mr Banks, that was an interesting season. I know you said we would be rubbish but that was fucking dreadful…
Jon Banks (JB) – Look, I have made the stadium carpets 100 times nicer, installed Nut and Laughter Bar vending machines in all the changing rooms and we have won the award for the cleanest kit in the league. What more do you want?
DS – Kits, fucking kits. I couldn’t give a shit about clean kits. I want blood on peoples boots, I want wins, I want fucking glory.
JB – Blood, oh my lord I would need a large supply of Belinda Wipes to deal with bloody socks. It really puts me in a squeamish mood to even think about blood…
DS – STOP. Fucking stop will you. What has happened to you? Have you been sniffing glue or just gone soft? Has your mind folded in on itself? I want to know your plan to get us out of this mess you got us in!!
JB – What did you say to me? Did you accuse me of substance abuse? Do you want a urine sample!!!
At this point a large grunting noise is heard from we assume Banks and a scream from Smith. The next extract of the audio, we noted that the pitch of Banks voice had gone down a few octaves. He shouldn’t less jolly and more angry
JB – Drugs, fucking drugs. It’s not me whose mind has turned west Ms Smith. You need to remember who the fuck you are talking to. My plan, you want to know my plan do you. Complete and utter reconstruction.
DS – For fuck sake, I thought you were back to normal then but you are going to talk about carpets and showers and other bullshit aren’t you. Just fuck off for an hour I cant co..
JB – Fuck carpets. Rip them up. Put laminate down. Move those fucking shitty bars of chocolate too. Hire 3 chefs, I want clean eating from now on. I want 10,000 more seats. I want 2 more academy players scouting. I want another coach hiring. Get me Taldo and Lahm in my first team and leave the transfers to me. I know what to do. I will wheel and deal.
The room went silent, and a rumbling is heard around the hidden microphone.
JB – And which ever bastard is bugging this stadium better fucking run. I will find you. While you are recording this, I want you to put the managers in this league on notice. We are no longer destined to be the whipping boys. If you come at me I will battle you with ever ounce of bile and venom that runs through my veins. I don’t not do predictions or timelines but be warned. No more Mr Nice Carpets. No more nonsense pottery. No more rolling over and letting you CUNTS tickle our bellies. We are Norwich Fucking City. Delia, get that fucking cooker on.
After a torrid, turgid and turbulent season in the Championship, Norwich City finished a lowly 19th out of 20. The fans were told at the start of the season to expect a painful season but no one expected it to be this bad. Legendary manager Jon Banks had returned to the club, culled the aging “stars” and started a project but with the signing of Joao Neves many expected a mid table finish at worst.
Some sections of the fan base have stated that Banks is old, past it and a bald fraud. Other are behind the manager that first got the club into the big time in 2008. The only voice that really counts is that of owner Deliah Smith. In this exclusive transcript, we can reveal the end of season performance review that took place inside Carrow Road. We thank Infinite Rocket Plastics for performing a Poor Roger manoeuvre to get us this sensitive data.
Delia Smith (DS) – So Mr Banks, that was an interesting season. I know you said we would be rubbish but that was fucking dreadful…
Jon Banks (JB) – Look, I have made the stadium carpets 100 times nicer, installed Nut and Laughter Bar vending machines in all the changing rooms and we have won the award for the cleanest kit in the league. What more do you want?
DS – Kits, fucking kits. I couldn’t give a shit about clean kits. I want blood on peoples boots, I want wins, I want fucking glory.
JB – Blood, oh my lord I would need a large supply of Belinda Wipes to deal with bloody socks. It really puts me in a squeamish mood to even think about blood…
DS – STOP. Fucking stop will you. What has happened to you? Have you been sniffing glue or just gone soft? Has your mind folded in on itself? I want to know your plan to get us out of this mess you got us in!!
JB – What did you say to me? Did you accuse me of substance abuse? Do you want a urine sample!!!
At this point a large grunting noise is heard from we assume Banks and a scream from Smith. The next extract of the audio, we noted that the pitch of Banks voice had gone down a few octaves. He shouldn’t less jolly and more angry
JB – Drugs, fucking drugs. It’s not me whose mind has turned west Ms Smith. You need to remember who the fuck you are talking to. My plan, you want to know my plan do you. Complete and utter reconstruction.
DS – For fuck sake, I thought you were back to normal then but you are going to talk about carpets and showers and other bullshit aren’t you. Just fuck off for an hour I cant co..
JB – Fuck carpets. Rip them up. Put laminate down. Move those fucking shitty bars of chocolate too. Hire 3 chefs, I want clean eating from now on. I want 10,000 more seats. I want 2 more academy players scouting. I want another coach hiring. Get me Taldo and Lahm in my first team and leave the transfers to me. I know what to do. I will wheel and deal.
The room went silent, and a rumbling is heard around the hidden microphone.
JB – And which ever bastard is bugging this stadium better fucking run. I will find you. While you are recording this, I want you to put the managers in this league on notice. We are no longer destined to be the whipping boys. If you come at me I will battle you with ever ounce of bile and venom that runs through my veins. I don’t not do predictions or timelines but be warned. No more Mr Nice Carpets. No more nonsense pottery. No more rolling over and letting you CUNTS tickle our bellies. We are Norwich Fucking City. Delia, get that fucking cooker on.