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After engaging the services of infinity rocket plastics the IT hacking specialists we have managed to get some rare footage of the Tottenham board room as manager Tim Brown meets with chairman Daniel Levy to discuss the plans for the new season. Levy had been silent all season and Brown was wondering if his position was still safe, with Levy reported to have been meeting Thomas Edvarsen in secret in recent weeks.
“Morning Daniel, so how are we doing?” Brown asked. Levy sat behind some bullet proof glass and lifted up a phone on the other side, staring motionless ahead
“Good day Tim Brown, the current manager of Tottenham Hotspur. I am Daniel Levy and I own the place. What can I help you with?”
Brown looked puzzled
“Daniel we have met a few times - do you remember I won the premiership last season?”
Levy bristled visibly “We do not win trophies at this club. Your success last year gave us some concern. At that rate some were starting to take us seriously as a football club. We are still reviewing our position”
“ That’s great, thanks mate” retorted Brown sarcastically “ Sorry but I need some assurances - I’ve got a family to feed mate”
“Ok if you insist” said Levy - “ roll out the Spursy roulette decision wheel minions!”
Four minions wheeled in an enormous wheel of fortune or misfortune which had a number of outcomes from ‘immediate sack’ to ‘promote to the board’ and every possible in between scenario
“Ok, let’s find out what we are doing” squealed Levy as he started the wheel turning. It reached top speed and Brown watched anxiously as it clicked round
Just as he feared the worst it clicked on to the final resting position
“Congratulations! You finished 5th in the league. This is Daniel Levy’s desired outcome. You will be rewarded with a further 6 month extension to your probationary period” he announced “wow congrats Tim this is really top work, an average season after that ridiculous season was just what I was after. Your jobs safe for a few more games at least, well done”
The screen came down and he thrust a wet cold hand forward which he slipped away as Brown reached out
“Ummm thanks boss I guess!” Brown scratched his head “The only thing is - we have strengthened the squad a bit”
“ Oh that’s ok - we’ve got 70 million in the bank, I’ve no problem with you spending around 7m as long as you can bring in the best young talent in Europe obviously”
“Yeah well - we’ve signed Caicedo for 85m”
“What the actual?” Levy went bright red “85 million pounds? That’s almost as much as I earned last week, how dare you spend my money?”
“Yeah there’s more mate - we’re bringing in De Ketelaare from Luton too”
“Ahhh Luton now that’s more like it, bound to have got a bargain there, what was that fee, a couple of mars bars?”
“Well no, 22m and Valbuena”
“Well I have to say I am generally quite happy at paying over the odds for under 25 year old average European strikers so he does really fit the mould, well done!”
“Thanks Daniel - now here’s the big news - we’ve managed to secure 3 of the real life legends of Bilbao and we are looking for more”
“Ok Brown, this kind of progressive positive football thinking has gone far enough - I want concerts, NFL, go karts and fucking pints that fill up from the bottom - fuck the football, what are you thinking man? I mean do you actually want to achieve success here? I’m taking back the extended probation and I’m watching you like a fucking hawk sonny me laddo!”
“Ok boss, thanks for the talk” Brown turned and went to leave. Levy fired a final parting shot
“I want 5th place and not higher, a mediocre FA Cup run and certainly nowhere near that fucking champions league semi you made last year. I had to arrange for half the team to get injured to make sure we didn’t get near anymore silverware!”
Brown went to respond and then thought better of it. He left Levy’s secret bunker to be greeted by thousands of adoring fans outside the stadium.
“Thanks boss, we’re back where we belong” said one fan and Brown smiled and waved
“If only they knew” he thought to himself. “Still, all I’m really interested in is returning to the top of the tree in London - and Steve Talbot is my main nemesis”
Just then Brown’s phone sprang into action. It was Leeds manager Tim Davey
“Nah then lad, do you want these rl spurs shite or not?”
Brown felt the excitement wash over him as he had an opportunity to bring some of his men home “Yes mate - I’ll take Destiny Udogie and while we’re at it how about Cuti Romero from Leverkeusen”
“No problem me old fucker - obviously I’ll want me pound of flesh “ said Davey
“I’ll pay what you want for him I just can’t believe I’m bringing them here!” Brown said, a little over excited
“Nice one, I’ll be in touch”
Had he really signed half of the real Spurs back four (until they leave in the next few weeks?)
Next call was Graeme Edwards of Liverpool
“Hello mate, heard you might fancy a defensive midfielder?” He said
“Hello mate, actually we’ve sprung Caicedo from Leeds so we’re good thanks”
“You won’t be wanting Bentancur then?”
Brown had that same feeling - a rush of excitement as he realised what was possible. He tried to retain his dignity.
“Well, there could be a possibility of us being interested, let’s talk”
Within about 5 minutes the two managers had sorted a deal which was as easy and sensible as the two deals with Davey.
Brown put down the phone and was delighted. In 24 hours 3 of his favourite players were coming back to Spurs and he couldn’t be happier. And what’s more he couldn’t wait to see Daniel’s face!
As he thumbed through the other FFO rosters and looked at Pedro Porro, Micky Van de Ven and Dejan Kulusevski with envy and James Maddison and Dominic Solanke with perhaps slightly less envy he smiled - I love my Spursy Spurs!